Friday, April 30, 2010

I'M A COWBOY

My first real trip to the rodeo didn't go quite like I planned. I remember getting suited up and mounting that bronco and felt on top of the world. Then the next thing I know, the gate opened and everything changed. I got bucked to the ground so hard that every bone in my body shook. The audience laughed at me. The announcers scathed me. My other friends, who had driven miles and miles to see me, could only give me the obligatory smile and nod and then talked about me behind my back. "I knew he wouldn't be able to do it". "Too ambitious" they would muster under their breath as they walked away. And there I was, hours after the rodeo, still sitting in the same patch of dirt wondering what the hell happened. It all happened so quickly, that sitting there banged and bruised physically and mentally, was the last place I had imagined myself. I wasn't prepared for THAT. I had planned on setting a record time on that bronco. Something that had never been done before.

I haven't posted since September 2009. Because since then, I had been sitting on that patch of dirt. Now let's bring it to reality for a moment. If you know me and have been keeping up with me, you know that I am a slasher. Actor/writer/musician/director/producer/overallentertainerandartist. And sometimes that can be a tricky thing. What I'm about to say, I mean with every inch of my body: There is absolutely nothing in this world that I cannot do. Nothing. And from that strong belief in myself is born an undying ambitiousness that allows me to see no barriers or restrictions. I can or I can. Even after setbacks (some call them failures) Now, I actually want you to go back and read my previous post and then come back and read this one. It'll give you a clearer picture of where I am no and where I was.

Back? Ok see...that guy who posted that blog, he had just got on the bronco. The gate hadn't been opened yet. Flash forward to today. The film fell through disasteriously. One of my closest friends in life left me holding the bag on an almost 4M dollar film and ultimately the financial responsibility. I lost pretty much every dollar I had saved. To avoid eviction, I sold all of my stuff and moved in with my cousin. Used almost all of my favors that I had gathered in this industry and bet it all on this project. But two weeks before shooting, my friend/financier decided not to put the rest of the money in and the walls came crashing down. Hard. And there I was, quickly being thrust from a great high to a devastating low.

People looked at me with that smug "I told you so" face. (Which I later realized was fear. Because even though I fell, they were nervous that I was about to do something so simple but so complex. And that's - what I said I would do) So now, I had/have 2 choices. Either pack it up and never ride a rodeo again. Or get up and get back on that bucking bronco. And I'm up. Stronger and better than ever. And I still stand by everything that I said.

So for YOU...don't let small setbacks set YOU back. You keep going. Learn from it. Grow from it. And ultimately, you will end up in a better place than when you started. (You see, while I was in that dirt, I wrote another script. 'Cause I had some things on my chest....and now, it's one of my best pieces to date. Would that have happened had I not been bucked down? I don't know...)

But anyway- I'm back. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm like a small crack in your windshield. At first, it seems non significant. Not a big deal. But eventually, that crack is going to spread if you keep putting pressure on it. And eventually, it's either time to replace the window completely, or it's going to break completely. I'm the crack. The industry is the windshield. Let me in or I'mma bring this whole muthaf***a down!

J Lee

About Me

Just a guy trying to put his stamp on the world. Everything else you need to know about me, will probably be in this blog.