Sunday, March 23, 2008

My happiness... not dependent by yours.

My birthday was about a week ago and I had one helluva self-reflection day. The day started off great. My father went to church with me, Easter Sunday, and that was a miracle in itself. That was the 1st time that my father and I had been to church together. Ever. The last time we were in the same church was when my grandmother, his mom, passed away. And that was almost 15 years ago.

I had a long conversation with my older sister about how we are the way we are. Your parents are such a strong influence on the people you are today and it's astonishing once you realize it. And what I have inherited from my mother is the 'people pleaser' trait. It is ingrained in my DNA at this point to try to please others. Sometimes before myself. My mom is the type of person, that if you even speak about a problem you may have, it is officially something that my mother will try to fix. She will take on your problem and try to fix it to make you happy. Even if you never asked for that help.

And that is a great thing: that my mother is such a helpful person. She can fix any problem, handle any situation, and nothing is too big of a task. The only problem is, that she has been such a dependable person for so long, people have now taken that for granted. Instead of "wow, I have no idea how Carol Lee made that happen" , it is now " have a big problem? Don't worry, Carol can fix it". So people now EXPECT it. And the more you expect something, the less you appreciate it. And the crazy thing is, my mother gets no joy from it anymore. I don't know if you can understand this, but if my mother sees something that can be fixed, it physically bothers her until she fixes it. Here's an example:

If a group of us went to a restaurant and everybody's food came out perfectly except yours. But you didn't even say anything. It was just obvious that you didn't like what you got. And when my mom asked you, 'what's wrong' you'd obviously respond by saying' nothing'. At that point, my mother would physically have to fix your problem. She would either tell the waiter to send it back, or go back and tell the chef to re-fix it...but whatever she did, she would not be able to physically be able to enjoy the rest of HER meal, until YOURS was satisfied.

And as I grow and learn more about myself, I realize that I am definitely my mother's child. But where I'mma get off the train, is sacrificing my happiness for yours. If I'm at that restaurant and your food comes out messed up, yeah, I'd be upset. Because I want everybody to be happy. I want everybody to have a good time. And, because I know I could probably do something to fix it. Even though you didn't ask me. But if I ask you what's wrong, and you say 'nothing'. That's where I leave it. I'm going to let people fight their own battles. And I know this is a small example, but the point is the same.

If I lost or confused any of my readers...I can't say that I care on this one. This was a self-reflection post.

"How can I f*** up your self-esteem? B***h, it's called SELF - esteem"
-Kat Williams

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About Me

Just a guy trying to put his stamp on the world. Everything else you need to know about me, will probably be in this blog.